Chapter 3 CLARA IN CHURCH     

     Clara poured her heart out to God:  “Sometimes it seems like I want to get out or in wherever there is life.  I want to be close to someone.  It’s dangerous because I’m getting desperate.  I feel so alone.  I want frantically to be rid of my people hang-ups so I can be close to others.  I’m afraid of being all alone in life because being alone only makes life seem barren and without purpose.  What’s life for anyway?  When we’re dead and gone, what would it matter that you tried to do something?  I don’t know how to live in this world.  I don’t like the way I am, all nervous, worried, negative and scared I can’t breathe; it’s smothering me.  I feel horrible.  I feel guilty and mean and ugly and so helpless and so in need of someone to be kind to me and care, really care about me.  They think it’s dumb to be me.

     “I’m scared because I’m alone.  And I think no one will ever care about me really.  Why doesn’t anyone want to hear me?  I’m too tired of trying to change because it doesn’t seem to be for any real benefit.  I’m trying to kill who I am to be someone else, so I don’t know who I am anymore.  Where am I, Clara, the original human being?

     “I feel lonely and it just doesn’t seem normal.  It’s because of a need to see people excited when I talk, because that’s the only way I feel worthwhile.  It wouldn’t be that way if I weren’t supposed to be close to someone.

     “I am depressed most of the time so I can’t smile it away.  I can only talk it through, but I desperately need someone to talk with me, not merely listen.  Maybe that’s not what I need, but as long as I think it is, someone telling me it isn’t won’t help.  To submit without an alternative, to cry alone, to hurt and not be able to say why, to say why, and be told you’re wrong, you shouldn’t think that way, hurts me inside.  Do I seem like nonsense?  Maybe to them, but I still think I’m O.K. I wish everybody did.    

     “Why do I feel so unimportant to anyone except myself?  They only want you to be what they want, never what you are.  Why are we so obsessed with molding others into our ideas of perfection?  Why am I so obnoxious or unwanted as I am?  They don’t want me human.  But I need them.  I want to be close to someone outside myself, and it’s impossible.  I need to accept it and quit.  I can’t be all things to anyone.  I quit!

     “I don’t want to direct my energy toward developing human relationships.  I’m signing off.  I’m closing the doors and I seriously doubt if anyone would care, if they even noticed it.  Really, I don’t think it would be noticed, because they wouldn’t care enough anyway to see.  What is it about me that attracts cruelty?  I’ll never pour my heart out again, never to anyone.  No one else will ever see me as I really am or how I feel, only a smile; only the help I give but not the friend I want to be.  I’ll be silent and serious and never care about anyone caring about me ever again.

     "It hurts and I don’t know what to do.  I wish I knew how to live.  I need to know I’m all right with someone.  I can’t get settled.  It seems everywhere is discouragement.  I’m afraid if I don’t do all the right things the way others expect, I won’t be loved, which means I’ll have to hurt.”

     Clara always carried a book or something written in her pocket (just in case she had to wait for someone, which was the usual for her).  This time it was a poem she had written, which she read out loud to God since she saw no one else in the church:

  Loneliness was trying so hard to be my friend, so I stopped to talk with it one day. 

  Its story was very sad and made me cry with feelings that brought the most

  depressing mental stress I have ever known.  I, a child too young to know the

  rewards of suffering, slipped away from the frightening call of loneliness.  Slipped

  away to my own dream world to block out my fears of no ever-present and loyal

  friends.  When there were no more dreams, because they were becoming less

  helpful, my new friend loneliness visited again.  We talked and now I know it will

  be my lifelong companion.

  As with all my friends, I want to know and understand all there is about them. 

  Loneliness, despite the pain, is no exception.  This visitor is persistent and very

  possessive.  Its most   prominent characteristic is the deep shattering pain it brings. 

  Its visits are reluctantly received and joyously rejected, but since loneliness is my

  friend, I cannot turn my back and slam the door always.  For along with its bitterness,

  it has shown me roads to peace.  The peace and contentment I would have continued

  to run away from without the guidance of my friend loneliness.  Loneliness is my

  loyal friend, especially since it visits so often

     Hurting so much inside, thinking about her feelings, she just cried really hard even though she hated crying because that’s what she did in the middle of most nights.  Then all of a sudden the inner hurting stopped and she sensed someone on the far side of the pew.  She wiped her face and looked over to see the kind face of a young man and oh, his eyes!  The eyes that showed the deepest understanding and gentleness.  And was that love?  He bowed and held his hands palms up in front and said, “Hi, I heard you.  I am the Way you asked for, to take you to heaven.” 

     “Jesus?” asked Clara in an unsure and surprised way.

     “Yes,” replied Jesus.  “When you are troubled and uncomfortable, imagine that God has you on His lap very gently sanding the rough spot to make it smooth and shiny like polished rocks.  The rough spot is an attitude, belief, thought, feeling, memory, desire, tendency, or some other part of our being that is not according to His perfectly loving will.  It is blocking the way of love.  He is replacing it with what is needed to bring us into a joyous relationship with Himself.  The rough spot of impatience is polished to the belief that God provided the best at the best time so you can believe that He’s giving the utmost possible love for you each second of your life.  Rough surfaces get hindered by the cares of this world and snag attachments that are not to God and are directed by sin.  Smooth surfaces glide past these problems since there are no crevices to hold their dirt as in rough surfaces.  Things are not embedded, so any dirt can be easily wiped away.  As He sands, the surfaces become hardened and the pressure pushed the soft parts inward.  A hardened surface cannot be so easily torn or destroyed by outside pressures and thorns (situations and people that afflict).  Corrosives, false or negative words, cannot penetrate to worm their way into the soft centers where hurts could result and fears cause one to run to anything or anyone offering comfort or appearing to do so, but not always to God, who only can do what is always best for us.

     “We decide to run to God for help and comfort, staying in response to His help, in love with Him now; standing close before Him, secure, trusting His love and providence.  Since our surface is smooth and shiny, we will reflect His good qualities—His glory, His love out farther as a light for others.

     “Problems are an opportunity for God to show how much He loves us.  God’s love has to be stronger than the hurts, so the hurts will not become a god to us.”

     Clare unknowingly became enlightened by the Holy Spirit and said, “So God in His mercy allowed me to suffer so I would know that He was about to help me and in my heart be moved to love Him.  If the hurts had been healed too quickly by an identifiable source other than God, It would have removed the need to talk with God long enough to get to experience enough of His attractive qualities so that I would trust Him to be Daddy God for me.  This way I wouldn’t leave Him permanently in pursuit of other gods, who never really love and take care of me, but only give a stopgap thrill like my chocolate-chip cookies, right?  I had a sudden insight.  I wrongly thought that He just didn’t care about my hurt feelings.”

     Jesus sang to Clara:

          Little child in my heart, won’t you please take my hand? Little child in my heart,

          I understand.  You have felt all alone.  You have felt so much pain.  Little child in

          my heart, please take my   hand.

          Little child in my heart, you give me so much joy, for your heart you have opened to

          me.  When you thought no one cared, you still trusted me to hear, little child in my

          heart, you weren’t alone.

          Little child in my heart, won’t you please take my hand?  Little child in my heart,

          I give no fear.

          Little child in my heart, I have felt all your pain. Little child in my heart, I love you

          so much I gave my only life, Just to give you the redeemed life, with the greatest

          love you’ll ever know, from the One Who loves you so much He gave His only

          Son and Holy Spirit, the comforter, to you, Clara, our precious child, to stop the

          pain and fill your need.

     Jesus explained, “I am deep in the gooey, ‘yucky’ part of your heart at the root of the weed that is causing inner hurts.  Very tenderly, I am separating the tiniest root hairs from the flesh of your heart so that when I pull the weed, it won’t hurt as much. When I finish, knowing that you will feel better, with a big smile and a very messy face, I hold up the uprooted wed and tell your spirit, ‘I got it.”  Then you feel the relief.”

     “All along You were working to help me get the whole problem cleared.  I just wasn’t aware of your presence because You were at such a very deep level in my heart,” tenderly said Clara.You have set me free, all this love for me.  You have let me see how great I am.                              

          You have set me free.  All this love for me, You have let me be just who I am.  You 

          have given me all the love I need.  You have taken me into your loving arms.

  She could ride the wind of the breath of God.  He will keep her safe in the home

  of God.  You could ride the wind in the home of God.  He will keep you safe in the

  heart of God.

     “God provided.  He always provides.  What you didn’t have, you didn’t need.  You see Him in the ordinary things of life.  When you were 3 ½ years old, your mother was feeding you.  You could have fed yourself, but didn’t want to eat ‘yucky’ vegetables.  Your mother said, ‘Well, we better get these vegetables in so when you get an ‘ouch’ it will get fixed’ You said, I’ll ask Dr. Jesus to fix it.’  Your mother replied, ‘That is wise.  Dr. Jesus and Daddy God put good stuff in these green beans so that when His daughter Clara eats them, the good stuff will come out and fix the ‘ouch,’ then it won’t hurt so long.’ So let’s take what God has already provided and when that’s not enough, we can ask Dr. Jesus and He will put in the rest.  When vegetables won’t do, Jesus will still care for you on the long journey,’ you said.  A good lesson in living provided through your mother using the ordinary experience of eating.

     “God is the Master Baker mixing the ingredients together.  Some things He never intended to go into the mix, but people have free will and do not always use it to love others, so in go their weeds.  At some points in mixing, pulling out the weeds causes precious batter to be lost, so they must be left there until a less damaging time for removal.  When the flour, sugar, spices and eggs are in the bowl, it looks ‘gooky.’  The rebellious eggs take more stirring to get mixed into the batter.  All blended it goes into the oven.  When it is done, it is a loaf ready to serve.  That is you, Clara.

     “Look in the box again.  You’ll see that the written answer was stuck in the lid:  Jesus is the way Who is true and Who brings life.  He is the only One Who can take you to the Father, where all your needs will be met.  I heard your request for heaven,” smiled Jesus.

          Living in despair.  Hopelessness surrounds me.  Never thought I’d say this, but thank you

          Jesus, for my life.  Thank you Jesus, for my life.  You healed my emotions.  I don’t just

          have to wait for heaven to have all the joy since You make life better now, seeing You

          in the ordinary things of life.  He said “come to me all you who are heavy laden, and

          I will give you rest, so cast your cares on me.  I care, and your burden is never too much

          to bear.”

          He has lifted me.  He has lifted me.

          Nobody likes me and I don’t care.  They just don’t like me ‘cause I got hair in my

          nose and on my legs.  They say you look so weird.  Why do you act the way you do? 

          Ooh, you’re just so strange.  Nobody likes me and I don’t care.  They just don’t like

          me ‘cause I got hair under  my arms and in my ears.  They say you act too strange. 

          Why do you do the things you do?  You really dress so weird.  They just don’t like

          me but I don’t care.  Somebody love me and I have been set free.  Jesus in love

          with me.  Somebody loves me and I have been set free.  Jesus in love with me. 

          Jesus in love with me.

          I don’t care what I got as long as I have Jesus to be beside me.  I don’t care what

          I’m not as long as I’m not someone without Him.  I don’t care what they say as

          long as they don’t take my Jesus from me.  I don’t care what they do as long as

          they don’t do till I turn from Him.  I don’t care what they’ve done, He healed my

          hurts and helped me live.  I don’t care if I feel many things, He helped me see

          that He’s God.  He gives life and He helps you to sustain it.  He’s the Almighty

          One, no one can take His place.

          Praise God, praise God.  He’s the One Who gives you joy.  Praise God, praise

          God.  He’s the One Who gives you peace.  Thank You God.  Thank You God. 

           You have given me life and hope.  Thank You God.  Thank You God.  I can

           give Your love through me.  Praise God, thank You God for Jesus Christ Your

           only son.  Praise God.  Thank You God.  Jesus carried me right through it. 

           Praise God.  Thank You God that Jesus helped me see and know His love.