Chapter 5 PARTY GIRL

Chapter 5 PARTY GIRL

     She wore a party hat even when in the shower.  She didn’t want anyone to think her uncool even if she seemed ridiculous.  What could she do?  Her self esteem was lost years ago—stolen.  Taken by someone she wanted to love her and who had told her that he did.  Oh well, it can’t be told of the horrors that she knew inside.  How sad to have wanted love and been given rotten tomatoes wrapped in an imitation love suit.  She believed in fairy tales and the movies on TV.  Her name could have been love lost and not forgotten.  She roamed the earth to regain whatever she thought was lost and still needed inside by becoming in appearance the party queen (since they’re the ones usually, so she thought, accepted by many others).  While deep inside she was lonely and seeking God’s heaven.  She never attended parties, just wore the hat to look as if she did.  She is a faker.  Her name is Party Girl.

     Party Girl knew Clara was coming to take her to meet Jesus.  She kept thinking of what she had been taught in church.  Be perfect—she was a wicked sinner and sinners get fiery punishments.  She should be helping others and suffering to make amends, not daydreaming about going to parties for pleasure.  The one comforting thought was how she felt successful in obeying the commandments.  She thought obeying the rules would save her, so why should she need a savior?

     “Clara,” Party Girl said shyly quietly.

     “Hi, I’ll be over in 15 minutes to get you,” joyously said Clara.

     “I’m not going today, um, I uh, it’s not, well I just, us, it might make me feel worse and I couldn’t stand that today,” pleaded Party Girl, who figured that she had to be pleasing and polite to everyone.

     “Don’t worry about it, you can meet Him when you want.  He has been standing in the back as close as you let Him be, behind the more important others and concerns that you let nearer.  He said, ‘if it makes you uncomfortable, I will stay back, even if it hurts me.’  I hope that one day you’ll get up from your business desk and walk past all the others to Jesus and talk with Him, and take His hand to go with Him leaving all others and business behind; then let Him direct what you do so you won’t have to feel anxious and pressured and disappointed.  Call me whenever you want.  I won’t talk about it anymore, so you won’t think I care more about you doing what I want than I care about you.  Bye,” gently said Clara.

     “Bye,” said Party Girl as she hung up the phone and started to cry, thinking about what Clara had said.  “He stood back even though it wasn’t what He wanted, because He could tell I wasn’t comfortable.  He knows He can help me feel better, but He respects my feelings.  He cares about how I feel.  I’m not just a good soldier and disappointing robot made to perform for His pleasure.  I, Me, I matter!  I, inside, I’m respected!  My feelings are so important to Him that He doesn’t ignore them to do what He wants to me, even if it helps me.  I don’t need this hat.  I’m accepted already.”  Taking it off, looking at it, she continued thinking.

          You would hardly notice, but inside my heart, inside my dreams, I am human too.

          Runnin’ down the street, just as fast as I can.  Tryin’ to live my life the best that

         I planned.      Jesus  said, “Follow me.”  I said, “I’m busy livin’ now.”  Just a runnin’

         down the street, livin’ fast as I can.  Runnin’ down the street, just as fast as I can. 

         Tryin’ to live my life.  I don’t understand.  I want my way, then I don’t have to trust

          anyone.  I’m just a runnin’ down the street just as fast as I can.  Runnin’ down the

          street just as fast as I can.  Runnin’ into problems I can’t handle again.  Jesus said,

          “Follow me.”  I said, “Later, Lord.”  I’m just a runnin down the street figurin’ fast

          as I can.  Runnin’ down the street just as fast as I can, disappointed, disgusted,

          depressed.  I’m tired of this.  I’m just a runnin’ down the street destructin’ fast as

          I can.

     Then came the anxiety attack.  Life in the corner for protection until “it” went away.  Sitting facing the corner of the room, knees pulled up to her chest with her arms around them or squeezing the sides of her head when not beating the walls.  Crying and yelling, “Jesus, Jesus, I’m sorry I messed up!  I ignored you and hurt myself and you!  I’m so sorry!”  “It” usually went away after Party Girl’s “help me” prayer, when she hurt to her limit.  It was hard for her to ask for help from God because she believed it was another sign of her incompetence and weakness in handling her own emotions, which she figured were not an area of concern to Him anyway.

     The walls are security for her face that’s leaning against one of them.  Party Girl is scared, miserable, sad, crying.  Jesus appears, sitting beside her, holding her hands, then gently rubbing her fact to wipe away her tears.  No words spoken.  Then, when she feels better, He tells her wonderful heart-touching stories.

          No questions asked, He gave me hope.  No questions asked, He is my friend and

          loves me, loves me.  No questions asked, He accepts me.  No questions asked, He

          came in my world and heals me, heals me.  No questions asked, You understand. 

          No questions asked.  No questions asked.  You love me.

     Party Girl thought, “I like Him and want Him to stay in the corner with me always in this semi-darkened room with the mini blinds and door closed.  Jesus goes to the door, turns to look at me and holds out His arms for me to come to Him.  I go but stop, keeping one foot in the room while sitting ‘straddling the fence’ at the door with the other foot out with Him.  Fear has become my god and I obey.  But I’ve been touched by Jesus and even the security of the corner doesn’t satisfy any longer.  ‘Help me,’ I ask.  I’m carried to freedom from the false security of the corner, from my god of fear, in the loving arms of the Savior, Jesus.  When He carries me, I am fine.  When He doesn’t, I fall.  Reality, out in this world, is more thatn I can deal with, so I run back toward my corner of first known security.  This time there’s a chasm impossible to cross at the doorway leading to the corner.  The fence where I sat before with one foot on both sides is gone.  A desperate mind needing a way to survive, retreats to an imaginary world that’s controllable, predictable.”

          Happiness is calling at your window.  Happiness is knocking at your door.

          Come and see. Come and see. Come and see. Come and see.  Come and see. 

          Jesus forever more.  He brings such joy and sunshine.  He brings no fear, just

          love.  Come and see.  Come and see.  Come and see.  Come and see.  Come and

          see.  Jesus forever more.  Jesus brings no condemnation.  He brings such peace

          of mind.  Come and see.  Come and see.  Come and see. Come and see.  Come

          and see.  Jesus forever more.

     “Since I preferred the security of the lost corner and my fear god, Jesus sent, through the Holy Spirit, His message of love in stories, songs and inspired thoughts to my imagination where I was present.  This produced the feelings of before, when we sat in the corner together just enjoying each other’s company—no pressure, nothing scary, just love.”

          Somewhere living there on my own.  Somewhere living there beyond my

          reach.   Somewhere out there where I cannot see is life and beauty for me.

          No, He’s living right inside of me. Beauty lies where Jesus can be free to give

          me all that He knows I need—It is life within His arms.

     “Jesus is security.  If He is security, there’s no need to fear the real world, for nothing and no one can stop Him from providing for me and no power can stop His love except His own and He wouldn’t use it that way.  It’s part of His security—the unchanging nature of God.”  Curiosity made me go on with Him while I recited a poem I had written many years before which now needed revising:

          So many years in a walled-in cell, so many years all alone, now look and see what I

          am today still in my cell all alone.  One day I walked out into the sea of life out to

          this sea all alone the tide splashed my legs and I ran away, away to my cell all alone.

          Away in my cell I am someone great away in my cell all alone.  The people there

          are kind and without hate, those in my cell all alone.  Again I walked out into the

          sea of life out to this sea not alone. The tide reached my legs and I took a firm

          stand, but not all alone.  Now I reside in this sea of life out in this sea not alone.

          The tide sweeps my legs and I walk farther in, Since Jesus came, but not in my

          cell alone.

          I like to be where You be.  I like to go where You go.  I like to see what You are.

          I like to know where You live.  I like to sing, sing with You.  I like to be where You

          be.  I like to talk, talk with You.  I like to walk, walk with You.  I like to see who You

          are.  I like to see You.  I like You!

          I am His forever.  I am His forever.  New life.  I’m walking and I’m talking in His

         new life.  I am His forever.  New life.  I’m walking and I’m talking in His new life.

         Jesus sent His spirit.  New life. I’m walking and I’m talking in His new life.  I say

         thank you, Jesus.  New life.  I’m walking and I’m talking in His new life.  I am His

         forever.  New life.

         There is life without dancing.  There is life without party wings that are fried.

         There is life without stores.  There’s life without parties.  There’s life without

          hair that won’t curl.  But without You there is nothing left.  There is only

          emptiness without God.

          Now I’m runnin’ down the street holdin’ Jesus’ hand.  Lettin’ go of my plans

          and anxieties.  Jesus said, “Follow me.”  I said, “Forever Lord.”  Just a movin’

         down the street at the pace that He planned.